What Is A Submissive In A BDSM Relationship?

The world of kink and BDSM is a fun and expansive place, and I have spent many years researching, reading and learning about kinks, relationships, scenes and BDSM after first being introduced to it when I was watching a particular scene in hardcore gay porn. It never seems to end and there’s always something new to learn, especially with the growing information that is out there. Some of this information can be quite good, and it is based on realism and actual people and other parts of it might be built on fantasy. This poses a problem for many new individuals as they might not be able to differentiate between fact and realism, and fantasy and fiction. In the end, people will take what sounds meaningful and fun to them, and then discard the rest. This is the precise approach that you should take with any form of BDSM and BDSM relationships, because it is about your own personal growth and not someone else’s. The thing is without the practical experience, you’re kind of treading water.

This is precisely the case with chastity. In many cases people might have formed unrealistic expectations of chastity, or they might have built up some kind of fantasy which doesn’t really interest their partner, in most cases the intentions that you start out with in regards to something like chastity are not what you end up with 6 months down the track. Relationships, kink and BDSM require constant learning, growth and understanding.

The first thing that you should be aware of is the confusion which surrounds the terms submissive and dominant. We have already covered the confusion surrounding dominant in our article, and in this article we will explore the role and responsibilities of being a submissive. Firstly, lets debunk the idea that a submissive or slave has lost the right to say no. This is not the case at all, just because a random person on the side of the street or in the back end of a club identifies as a dominant, does not mean that you need to submit to them at every single opportunity. A submissive does not need to submit to a dominant unless they have entered into a relationship and you have negotiated or formed the rules around such a relationship. Until that moment, you do not have to agree to doing something that you do not like, and that translates into the relationship as well. You, as a submissive have the power to choose who you submit to, and who you do not submit to.

There are a lot of people out there which equate a submissive as being helpless. Truth be told it is the submissive that holds the most power in any type of relationship, as they have the power to end the scene at any given moment that they no longer feel safe or that they feel that they are in danger. This is usually prevented by an understanding dominant who knows the limits of a submissive partner. In that regard, if a person is expecting you to wear a chastity device 34 hours a day, 7 days a week and that is something that you do not want to do, then you can simply refuse to do that.

So with that in mind, if you suddenly have all this power, does that make you a dominant? No, not really, because you are willingly submitting to a dominant partner. In this case, submitting to the idea of having your penis caged, and someone else holding the key. So what are your responsibilities as being a submissive?

It is absolutely your responsibility to be open, honest and communicative about your needs, desires, wants and feelings. If something is not working for you, then you have every right to speak out on that and speak to the key holder in what is causing the issue. A discussion will ensue and perhaps you can work something out, or make a suitable alternative. For example, you might be travelling to a large conference on the other side of the world and this might mean having to travel through an airport and you’re simply not comfortable wearing a steel chastity device on you, it might be for work reasons in the sense that there is a great discomfort or fear of being caught. You need to speak your mind and ensure that your key holder knows exactly what you’re thinking about. It is unrealistic to expect them to read minds, and know exactly what you’re thinking about and that will place unnecessary pressure both on you, them and the relationship. Just because you have previously alerted your key holder about certain situations that you feel uncomfortable in, doesn’t mean that they will always know by sight that you are in trouble, this is especially true if you’re not responding differently in a situation for fear of causing a scene.

It is your responsibility to give consent to a situation in both an honest and truthful way. If you have given consent to something, and later taken that back, that it is your responsibility and not someone else’s. It is also your responsibility to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. If you have an issue on a particular day, or the device isn’t sitting right and you’re in pain – then it is your responsibility to tell that to your key holder. If you’re having emotional difficulties on a particular day, and that is impacting your interaction and enjoyment of chastity, then you also need to articulate that to your key holder.